I, Me, Myself : Anuradha Mohit

I was born sighted, but became blind at the age of nine as a result of a car accident. I remember very little of this period -just being taken from one doctor to another...one hospital to another...to temples, sadhus, vaids, homeopaths -any place which offered the hope of a cure. However difficult the suggestion, my parents were insistent on trying it atleast once-if only their daughter could get her vision back! It was only slowly, when they accepted my blindness as permanent, that we resumed everyday life. It was at that point that the whole tragedy began to hit me -I was BLIND -I would always be unable to play, study and most importantly read, as I had done. 1 was a voracious reader even as a child, so this loss was the hardest to bear.

Initially the shock was too great for my parents my father, my mother took charge. She is a very dynamic person and she was determined to help me lead as normal a life as possible. A teacher herself, she evolved her own system to help me learn. The whole family was conscripted into reading aloud to me, and my mother insisted on readmitting me to my old school. Since I retained visual memory, with effort and practice I was able to continue to write in the normal way. Of course since I couldn’t see the paper, my writing tended to be erratic and slanted in all directions. Deciphering my answer sheets must have been a difficult job for my teachers!

In those days, especially in Kapurthala, the small town in Punjab where I grew up, there were no schools for blind children, or any exposure even to basic aids for visually impaired people. Even in school, no special concessions were made for my lack of vision, but I was extremely fortunate to have a very supportive network of family and friends. I have always been an extrovert but the accident, initially, robbed me of some of my self- confidence. As I started doing well academically, I regained my enthusiasm and, encouraged by my friends and teachers, began to participate in sports and other extra- curricular activities. Over the years I became so accustomed to my blindness that .1 don't remember feeling particularly disabled in any way.

Strangely, the first time I actually felt the disadvantage was around the age of fourteen, when my mother insisted on teaching me the basics of cooking. especially, was shattered, Luckily Being a career woman all her life, she herself had never been domestically inclined, but she strongly felt, that despite my disability, 1 should be as self-sufficient as possible, At that time I resented it -I felt it was only because I was blind that my mother was forcing me to learn. Today of course I am extremely glad for her foresight, because cooking is an activity which I enjoy. Early on I learnt the importance of being meticulous and organized-in fact I would like to call both these strengths the ‘gifts of disability’! Since I had to rely on memory and touch to locate things, I learnt to keep everything, I learnt to keep everything neat and tidy, otherwise I invariably ended up in trouble!

The second time I felt the full force of my disability was in college. For the first few months college was night dreading the next day. Since, externally, I do not appear blind, the other students were not aware of my handicap. I used to hear so many comments about being squint-eyed -"looking Delhi, going Kanpur", type of remarks that really hurt. I was also experiencing the pangs of adolcscence, when everybody wanted to look like Hema Malini!. So these cruel remarks from my peers caused me a lot of anguish. Gradually, of course, like all situations in life, things began to get better. My interest in theatre brought me in closer contact with like-minded people and I enjoyed directing and even acting in plays that we staged at inter-collegiate competitions.

This was also the time when music became a bone of contention between my parents and me. I faced a lot of pressure from my parents to pursue music as a career. Though I felt I was an unmusical person, both my parents are very keen connoisseurs. of music. They strongly believed that music was the best career option for a blind girl. I always found excuses to skip my music lessons, though they were very insistent that I learn. Ultimately I went on to complete my M.A. in Music but I never felt the urge to become a professional musician. I lacked the conformity and the blind faith that is demanded by all gurus – I have always had an extremely independent streak in my character and I preferred to have faith in music rather than blindly obey the guru.

After completing my M. Phil in 1983, I was selected to join the faculty of an illustrious college in Punjab - The Kanya Maha Vidyalaya at Jullunder. Since it was my mother’s alma mater, my appointment gave me a big thrill of satisfaction – I had been invited to teach where, many years earlier, my mother had studied! Initially the Head of the Department of Music was very wary. For the first time I began to feel, that for other people, my disability overpowered my abilities. My colleagues did not question my professional competence, rather, they were biased against my perceived inability to function as a "normal" person - whether I would be able to sign the register, walk up the stairs unaided, maintain discipline, etc, etc. People used my blindness as a weapon against me! Faced with this attitude, it became a matter of prestige for me to do everything without asking for help. For instance, even before I joined the Institution, I memorized the layout of the department and the location of the classes, so that I could confidently walk unaided from day one! I firmly believe that one cannot look for a rich, fulfilled that music was the best career that one cannot look for a rich, fulfilled life and also want to be treated differently at the same time.

At the risk of sounding boastful I' II say that I am a good teacher and my students enjoyed learning with me. I feel I broadened the scope of teaching music. As a teacher, I played the role of a facilitator so that-my students developed their own methods of understanding music. I feel if education does not provide freedom of thought and expression to students and if further alienates students from social and cultural reality, then that education is of little use. Dramatics continued to playa big role in my life -we staged street plays, muscials, social themes -it was an incredibly creative stage of my life. Around my mid-twenties, like most Indian parents, mine too, started worrying about my marriage. Luckily I have always been a very direct person and I could categorically expain to them that, for me, marriage was an option only If It was a mutually supportive relationship. I refused to be tied to anybody for the sake of companionship. They, fortunately, accepted and respected my views. Deep down, I think I was also insecure about my ability, as a blind person, to develop such a close relationship. I felt that since I was unable to observe emotions and facial expressions, it would be difficult to understand the other person unless my partner was very explicit in expressing his feeling. I was also, irrationally, apprehensive of losing the 10-20% of vision I had left, during childbirth.

It was in 1986 that I reached a watershed in my life – the real turning point. I had long wanted to read independently, but I had never learnt Braille so I still relied on external help. With a view to learning Braille I went to a school for the blind or the first time. It was an encounter, which literally, changed my life. I realized that all the advantages I had taken for granted all these years, were the main factors that had helped me break the barriers that blind people face. It was only because I came from a financially comfortable background, with a highly supportive family and access to a good education that I had achieved what I had. Even my personal mantra of ‘Nothing is Impossible’, was possible only because of the circumstances of my birth! This changed my thinking entirely -from an egocentric and slightly arrogant person, I matured and became more aware of my –social responsibilities. (Though I finally did learn Braille too, I regret not having learnt it as a child. As an adult, tactile development is already complete so one can never achieve the requisite speed).

The following year, I left the world of academics and joined the National Association for the Blind (NAB), Delhi, initially as a volunteer. After about a year, when the organization realized I was serious about my commitment, I was absorbed as a placement officer. I had found my niche. My goal was to help visually impaired people get access to different kinds of the ‘only teacher/telephone operator’ syndrome.

During my years with NAB I returned to academics only once, and that was a student. Wanting to polish my administrative skills. I completed my Masters in Administration of Non-profit Organizations from Vanderbilt University in U.S.A. For the first time I studied with English as the medium of instruction, but I thoroughly enjoyed the time I spent there. Their system made an independent learner out of me. Both of us, my husband Vimal, and I, found their way of teaching a refreshing change from the rigidities of the Indian educational system.

Yes, I had been married for a year and a half before leaving -in fact it was Vimal who had encouraged me to study again and had planned our trip. I met him in Delhi, at a car rally for the blind. Vimal Mohit was the most positive human being I have seen –he always brought joy and happiness with him. He was so full of life! Vimal worked in advertising and was interested in very many different things like music, sports, theatre and literature. Initially I was very unsure about marriage but as I got to know him better, he enriched my life so totally, he was the best friend I had.

Unfortunately we did not have much time together, He suffered from a life threatening heart disease that finally claimed him as victim while we were at in America, I went through a terrible phase at that time. I lost him very suddenly, in an alien country, and then trying to cope with the shock all alone, I lost my unborn child. It was devastating. I took a break from my studies, came back, and then slowly gathered the strength to pick up the threads of life again. Initially I looked for solace by studying major religions like Sikhism, Hinduism, Buddhism and Christianity for reasons, for answers…why had it happened to me?

Gradually I accepted that though Vimal had been granted to me for a very short time I had learnt so much from him. I have become softer, gentler and have learnt to enjoy life much more.

My grief has lessened with time, especially because work provided a big diversion. After completing my course, on my return I Was appointed the Executive Director, NAB -Delhi State Branch. The additional responsibilities, travel and my commitment to furthering the disability movement in India have kept me busy and content ever since.

Today as the Deputy Chief commissioner, Disabilities, Governement of India, I know how much has to be done to help disabled people in India to live life with dignity and with freedom from ridicule and oppression. Disabled women especially, are in general, the poorest of the poor, the most vulnerable section of our population. Since I am a

representative of this in Indian society, I feel a sense of satisfaction if, through my behaviour and persona, I am able to change widespread misconceptions about disabled people.

Source: Success & Ability
Issue: Dated Oct-Dec 1999